When you have friends, I suppose it’s only natural to have petty jealousies.
I’m not usually a very jealous person, I try to see beyond the shitty feeling that someone is better than me and I instead look for things I’m good at… But it’s different when you’re close to the person you’re jealous of. I mean I hate the feeling that my friend is better than me or that they’re moving at a faster pace. It feels petty, and that it’s just something stupid you’re forced to feel rather than an internal system of self challenge.
And when it is your friend you’re jealous of, it’s more complex than being jealous of a person you see on the street who has the clothes or things you want. It’s your history of communication between your friend that makes the jealousy much more deep, and shitty, to think about when those feelings start to hit. It’s the times that you shared your mutual admiration for each other that start coming back to you when your jealousy starts to take hold.
I know that she’ll never read this, and I’d feel bad about using her name. But let’s talk about it anyway.
So I don’t consider myself to have many friends, truthfully. I feel I have many allies. When there’s mutual interest or someone actively tries to get to know me, then that’s when I really start to consider them as my friend, ya know? There’s a difference between joking around and talking to people, and actively learning about their lives and attempting to be apart of them. For the very least, I find great value in being friendly with everyone so that I can move and decide from there how much of their friend I want to, and actually can, be.
That’s how I met her. Just started like that, being friendly until we found a similar interests etc. But one thing that’s always struck me it the growth that she has had since I met her. She’s come into her own. Her core problems remain largely the same, and they may be something that’ll haunt her her entire life, but she’s found great confidence and style and valuable friends that have helped her through some of her worst times. She was once someone who was unquestionably restricted, but has discovered a lot about herself and the diversity around her since I’ve met her. Sometimes seeing such a change is weird, not only because you’re literally seeing someone change in front of you, but also because it makes you question how much you have changed yourself,, and it can sometimes make you angry that maybe you haven’t.
I’m jealous of her, because I saw her in a position I’ve never been in… To me, she’s started to move truly forward in life. She has a group of people who will be with her the rest of her life. And some of them are moving forward in their own, albeit less conventional, ways that have by nature made her follow along and be a part of. Because they’re her friends.
Challenging yourself is hard, so it might be a blessing finding people who can take you along in their own lives. But damn, seeing your friend unknowingly move ahead of you by someone else’s volition is just painful.
I don’t mean to be angry at her for having slight success, or for discovering something that she may want to work towards on her own, but I can’t help but to feel shitty for not having the same kind of proof for any kind of work.
It’s time to amount to something.