Nothing Coherent

Sorry I haven’t posted in almost a week,, I know I should try to make this as daily as possible. This week has been stressful enough to give me frequent eye twitches… Also seeing as now I have a frequent audience of about five or six has made it weird to post a little. I’m not sure how many should be appropriate.

I’m sometimes (sometimes being now but it may come to pass idk) worried that I’m perceived as the ignorant young white guy. Like the kind that’ll be out on their shit after “reality hits”. It just comes from the times when I hear things like “Man I hope you make it.” The best one I think I ever heard was when one of my friends since about seventh grade said to me senior year, “You’re either going to be homeless or famous.” I mean I try to consider that a compliment, but what do you really say to that? Like they clearly have some level of worry over the path I will be taking, and have some serious doubts about my ability to make it through, it’s kind of like well shit is what you think I’m going to do really unobtainable?

Before today I didn’t really give this much thought or have much concern over it. I considered a persons mentality and drive to make themselves however they wanted, to be a more prominent factor than whatever barriers they have set out before them. Holding out for the optimistic thought, that anyone can change themselves and their thoughts and their goals and their pathways to make their goals a reality, at any moment. I thought this way because I never considered barriers could be too great and that, so long as I have a developed and malleable base, I will have enough credibility to still do a great many things. I never considered money, financial commitments, or any other people to be barriers that can stop me from what I want to do, just because I felt that what I wanted to do was something that can take many shapes and can overall go any direction I see fit.

But I’m not sure what to think about that mentality. The pragmatist in me would look at that and think that’s a pipe dream similar to some anime character. Whereas the idealist in me would consider that a good thing that I’m allowing myself to be so malleable and that I can break whatever expectational rules I want.

But the other night kind of changed that a little.

I have a brother, seven years and a day older than myself, who has had some difficult times since he left school halfway through. He hasn’t been able to finish university. As a result he decided to work until he was ready to go back, and then realized the small private and expensive school he returned to wasn’t for him. He now has been working as a bartender for a while now, and lives with his girlfriend in Louisville.

I always thought that this could be just fine. This could be a beginning of sorts and that it wasn’t something to worry about so long as it builds and branches into other things a little. Like if he decided he wanted to take his cooking and bar-tending skills to a heightened level he could try to go to culinary school, or try to find establishments that have a higher echelon of service. Or if he wanted to do something in the Louisville community and be an organizer of events or something scholastic or political or something, it could at least be a pathway and an additional factor of life that was practical and job like that could make him more than just a bartender. It would be work, and that would suck, but sometimes you just have to work a shit ton, ya know?

But when I heard him express his sincere worry about his financial situation, I thought for the first time I was seeing some proof that some barriers might be too great. That some obligations are too heavy.

It’s worrying to see this, because if it’s not just my brother being weak footed and not trying to find something else that is beneficial to his time, then it could be proof that my current plans for the future are just dreams of the privileged and the ignorant. That my whole mentality is wrong because I actually don’t understand the obligations and barriers that I will face.

But on the other hand, if my mentality is right,, then it means that people like my brother put needless barriers and limitations on themselves, and that an incalculable percentage of humanity leave themselves in awful situations they think they have no escape from, just because they don’t think they can.

So great.

But oh well. Love y’all who read my posts and sometimes respond to them. It makes me think that I’m doing more than just writing in a journal.

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