You fucking confuse me sometimes. No lie, I don’t think I’ve ever been as confused as to how someone thinks about me more than I am about you. And I know you read these too so let me explain what I mean in high detail.
So you and I had a relatively short time of close proximity. I thought during this time we were pretty okay and good friends. We joked around a lot and listened to a little bit of each others problems, both of us closer to our mutual friend than each other but that’s okay, I took no offense to that. We were, and still are, of pretty different social atmospheres. And I thought you were honestly really cool and very pretty so just by nature I absolutely did not mind being around you.
So like, when I went to college and the time period in between, I didn’t think much of trying to be really friendly to you whenever I saw you openly say something rather depressing. I was just like “Okay so that’s hella sad, it may not be my place to really try to make you feel better, but might as well try and extend my hand a little.” Thus my offers to go smoke or just hang out and that kind of stuff. And like, even though I wasn’t on that right “level” of friendship or whatever with you, I thought that could be changed by attempting to be closer, and just trying to be a friend I guess.
But it was very, almost comically, clear how much you did not care for that outreach. Pretty sure you thought I had a huge crush on you, making you want to distance yourself from me so I didn’t get the wrong idea or whatever, which is always fun. And besides that explanation, I also thought “okay,, if she doesn’t think that I’m cool enough to hangout with even a little after a time where we were naturally just around each other every day, then I’ll accept that and I’ll just see all the access that I have to her as a kind of social contract that she is ‘bound to’, but doesn’t really care to keep. I’ll think of having access to her finsta (which to me, seems very fucking personal and not something you’d want to share with just friends you had for one class) as something she did under older circumstances that, during the time, warranted my access.”
And I honestly thought that was a pretty appropriate viewpoint. I liked your pictures because they were either genuinely attractive pictures of you or your friends, or because they were really fucking sad or relatable or funny and I wanted you to think you had some kind of support (which idk why I feel like I always need to show that I’m willing to give,, especially in this situation where you might genuinely just dislike me,, but I suppose it’s just my nature to want to be as open as possible). But every now and then you would comment on my pictures! Like during my birthday you were WAY kind and said you missed me and stuff! I take that shit WAYYY too seriously and I was just confused,, but still I thought any rational person would be kind of like ????? Que??? And when you said you wanted to go do some poetic shit, (which I AGAIN took too seriously) I was like,, “Does she want a kind of intellectual friendship?? Like does sitting around, getting a little faded, and talking about philosophy and life seem like something that she wants to engage with me in? As opposed to partying just to party? Or being normal friends that can do whatever?” I’m so down for something like that, (with anyone!), like I obviously love talking at length about many aspects of human nature, and I feel like I can easily discern a relationship like that, because I know what kind of frequent partying you do that would be completely separate from the time we would spend together!
BUT I STILL DON’T KNOW.! Because where I currently stand, it seems like your tone whenever I talk to you recently, is just of complete indifference and unexcitement towards what I say. I mean maybe what I say is just fucking stupid, which honestly it probably is… I just get SO confused because there’s this discord of you sounding SO indifferent when I try to talk to you,,, and your actions of allowing me to have huge access to what you think, and you still actively engaging in the things I post, whether it be from my blog or my instagram.
But maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe in the modern world, people don’t really care to have certain kind of relationships with people, and they really don’t care about closeness when separation is easier. Social media as it is in its infancy, allows for such blurred lines between friendships, and just longing to be noticed. Maybe you find novelty in my goofy mannerisms and are pleasantly surprised by my thoughts about whatever I decide to post, but think I’m “too much” in some way to be with at frequency, so you just think it’s easier to follow social protocol and continue to give me access to things like your finsta and your more personal accounts. Thus not really caring to committing to some kind of engagement because you get all the benefits of how I choose to present myself to a wide audience.
But again, I don’t know. And maybe I shouldn’t care either. A practical side of me says that if you didn’t want to actually talk or hangout with me, then what’s the point of clinging on to whatever notion I have of our friendship. I mean that sounds hella mean but like, I don’t know what else to think because social media blurs the definition of what’s real.! “Liking” a post can be considered nothing just as much as it can be considered genuine interest and understanding; and since it’s used sooo often by everyone, and it’s not exactly acceptable to really deny many people access to something like that,,,, it makes it really difficult sometimes to discern between that genuine interest and just modern social protocol. And I really do want to be close to people and I don’t see the point in closing someone off, and I think social media can be a tool for outreach just as much as anything else, so it just becomes confusing whenever I try to reach out to people, who are sometimes apparently deeply entrenched in that social protocol, and find my outreach weird.
I hope you know I’m not trying to be an ass or whatever, or try to change your ways of interacting online to “be more real”, because that’s stupid and sounds too preachy (I don’t want to sound like our extremist friend who thinks everything a conspiracy). I guess I just kind of wanted you to understand my confusion and frustration,,, you know I think you’re cool and stuff, and I think that one can have whatever kind of relationship they want with a person without making it weird. Because there are different kinds of relationships ya know? Something purely intellectual or purely partying or purely sexual or purely romantic (which to me is kind of the combination of all of kinds of relationships).
If you want to ever talk to me, which it seems like you do because you at least enjoy keeping up and following my stuff,,, then do.! Like I’ll try not to make it weird but there’s only so much I can do through a one sided conversation ya know?? And if you don’t, if you’re just done with me actually being in any kind of part of your life, then cool. I’ll just continue to be really confused as to why you choose to keep up with almost everything I post but find no value in interacting with me on any other level. So yeah.
With Sincerity, Your Social Media Confused Friend, John Burke