I’m Tired

Warning: this is a heavy perspective and personal topic. Looking over it may be hard to follow, but I’m trying to explain myself as detailed and as fluidly as possible, I hope it comes across clearly.

Somewhere in my life I saw that I didn’t belong to any single group of people. I thought I was some kind of outsider that was able to phase between cliques,,, it was that I found a fascination with what made groups different that made me do this,, and I think I simply just ended up doing and thinking that way for too long. Or I at least had this perception that I wasn’t in any single place I belonged,, but maybe I was just not looking as people as equally complex, people who have different social spheres and sometimes only having very small ones. So in that respect I don’t doubt that a significant amount of people have felt this way at some point.. (sorry for trying to make myself sound like a special snowflake)

But this ended up creating an atmosphere for me, some weird standard that I felt that I can’t or wasn’t allowed to get incredibly close to people. It was like I was only an observer who wanted attention,,, and was pretty good at keeping people entertained,,, but there was always some kind of property about myself that didn’t allow for extreme closeness to a single group of people, or didn’t allow for people to be drawn to me. And it was strange, because at the same time I also understood people extremely quickly,, I understood and saw some genuinely interesting and cool things about people,, and I saw that I wasn’t with them or being apart of their lives.

I may have passed this, but now,, after a long ass time of just kind of feeling contempt with being half alone,, I’m choosing and attempting to me more involved with friends. I’m noticing those that enjoy me and I’m actively attempting to be around them more. It’s a good thing, and I’m sometimes really excited to see and be around these people,, but it’s still left me with some more quests and questions to resolve..

This active interest and this ability to be more involved with people has started to peak my thoughts towards something like,, “This is the same kind of formula that can allow me to really be with someone.”

It’s like I’ve been at this point of self sufficiency for a long time, I mean years. Sure it used to be more lonely than it is now,,, if there are very few people who would take an interest in you after everything is said and done you tend to get that way.. (So yeah the more friends you have to help distract you and make you feel like you’re doing something,,, the better. I would advise to do that any day…) But I’m tired of it. I’m tried of being secluded, only sharing some of my thoughts with a few key friends, who I try to have be as diverse as possible so that some may understand what others do not.. But it’s not enough.

I’m bored with that kind of limbo, nothing moving forward in terms of work or life goals day to day because that takes a lot of time,, little challenging or interesting homework,, little time spent with friends because of whatever reason you can imagine,, and only small personal satisfactions that can be found in longing for another time, but with no one to share it with. No one to confirm your thoughts, or make you feel stronger in that you have someone to help you with your ideas, or go with you to places that would make you feel like all the beauty in the world is washing over you. Someone that helps you represent your own will to find what makes you so human.

It’s times like that that make me truly want a relationship. Yikes I hate the way that all sounds but there’s no other way to say it. Who doesn’t want someone to spend their days with? Someone nice to look at, someone who will look at your quirks and think they have value, and will be easy to be with. Maybe it’s just at times of contentment that I would wish for this, but who wouldn’t? That’s why it always sad when people don’t show their desire to be apart of something like that,,, especially when it’s with you because, ya know,, you’re too amazing for that.. At a certain point I feel like I’m trying to communicate that to the people I want to be with, and I feel like it’s too much. Very rarely am I able go about things in a more organic way of spontaneity, lust, or uncruel infatuation. Half of it’s because I feel like I know immediately every prospective girl, and I’m being too picky,, and half of it’s that I might just not be introduced to new people enough…

So I’m changing that too I think… I’ve gone to the yikes fuqboi side just a little in order to attempt to be more organic and normal about finding people to be with. And while it’s certainly given me more prospects (i don’t mean to objectify the people I meet,,, it’s just easier language..) and it hasn’t been horrible,, I don’t have much to show for what I feel like I’m trying to do. It’s not that I’m looking for some kind of end goal, it’s more than sex or a relationship. It’s fucking life that I feel like I’m missing out on. because everything that I’m trying to do for myself,, everything that I’m trying to learn or discover or really truly become one with an understanding,,, falls flat.

There are a great many things that a person can find themselves in love with. The earth, words, physical strain, cooking, dedication of all kinds. But it seems will always feel less if there’s no support or reason to bring it out.

Maybe then that just means there’s more to work on before someone’s really able to deal with me. Yikes.

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