At the Current Moment

At this current moment, I’m in a place of restrained worry. And for a few different things for a few different reasons. Since this affecting both my blog and possibly a few of my interactions and relationships, I think it would only be appropriate to discuss it here.

I suppose the most relevant aspect of this is why I haven’t been posting very much on this blog. While I truly don’t know what this blog means to some of you,, I merely know that some of you read it, I don’t know everyone who does or why. I’ve been having a slightly difficult time trying to remind myself why I began this in the first place,, or rather, I’m having a hard time posting in the exact same manner as I did when I first came up with this concept. I mean, of course I kinda wanted an audience, but I now can’t tell if my focus and purpose for writing on here is to now entertain you, my audience of,, what?, 12?

For instance; I am still attempting to write something about my religious views. I’ve been working on this for a solid week and a half, possibly more. And while I have a decent amount written and attempted explaining, I’m being very critical with how I’m framing that explanation and it’s something I’m becoming almost frustrated with because it still doesn’t feel natural to me… So while that’s happening I’m simultaneously delaying the writing and the thought process that would be necessary to write anything else. It’s something stupid that I’m just having difficulty with.

One of the other things going on with me is that I’m restraining my worry about myself in terms of the amount of recreational activities I’m doing. It’s restrained,, because I know that I’m not becoming obsessed with it,,, I’m not pursuing any kind of high, I’m not always wishing I was smoking, I’m completely fine and self sufficient and happy without it,, but I’m still taking part in it a lot just because it’s offered to me and I feel always in a decently safe atmosphere when I happen to do it. And while I recognize this about myself, and I think I’m okay and a friend that seems to always be smoking with me believes that I have the strength to not be consumed by the marijuana either,, it still is a fact that I have been smoking just a lot recently. Which ya know, is fine,,, but it takes time away from when I could be doing something else that’s more productive and healthy and sober and strong. So I will be attempting to cool down. I don’t want to be confronted by anyone with a sincere concern over me, but if I need a reminder then I would take it seriously. If that makes sense…

So those two things are pretty key components of why I’ve been stagnant on posting to this site very much,,, but another thing that’s going on with me at this current moment, is that I’ve settled with myself and with my parents what my future track will hopefully look like. So now what I’ve been thinking in my head about doing as a career is open and understood by my parents,, and is generally supported. I’ve explained to them what I’m thinking about in terms of my track in school, and in life and career,, and they generally believe that it fits me well and that it’s something I may have the strength to do. So that’s a good and pretty nice thing,, but this idea of me thinking about my distant future, and as every day just being another step and waiting period, just to get to that point,,, is making time go by just a little quicker. Though still a new thing to happen, it does indeed seem to make things go faster. It’s kind of exciting in a way, and it makes me hope for the things I’ll be doing this summer. I’ve determined that I’ll work, work out, and cook quite a lot,,, and it’ll be a pretty good time that will be able to satisfy long, and extreme short term happiness.

I feel bad that I haven’t been posting on here nearly as frequently as I thought I would. Maybe I’m evolving or growing just away from this in a small way, but I’ll try involve my thought process of what’s going on in my life and how I feel about the most relevant of things. I’ll also use this site as the platform for my much longer, intimate, and just important pieces. And I’ll always write for someone should they ever have questions or inquiries about what I write,, even though it rarely happens.

So yeah. I don’t know how to end this all that smoothly.

Yikes.

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