Just proving that I exist

Life just might be too short to hide things about yourself from others. Every time that I think about my blog and I question what the reasons are that I keep it going, I uncomfortably answer something like, “to express myself”, but really I don’t think that’s the most accurate form of saying what I mean.

I really love knowing a lot of old sayings, they seem to ring so true to the human condition and it never ceases to amaze how the age of the sayings never really become a factor. The Latin one that says “I think, therefore I exist” seems to be true for a lot of aspects of life, especially when dealing with other people. That impressively human experience driven quote can save enslavement of artificial intelligence just as much as it can give the confidence and mentality to someone who lacks an identity at all, and wants to make one. That phrase alone has so much definition of what it can mean to be human and can also be taken to understand and define different aspects of being a person.

If I have thoughts on something specific, it is a part of me. Every opinion and perspective and action I have had,, and continue to have,, turn me into an overarching person. And every chance I have to make a change in my actions to something that I think will benefit my overarching self, I want to take it. I want every action I take to reflect an aspect of myself, but I also want to be a better person and be someone that I can always be proud of. I never want to hide and I never want to be mistaken for something I’m not.

That almost sounds like I think I have different Johns living inside me or something, but that’s not really what I mean… It’s more like I have so many thoughts and opinions and moments of feeling about very specific things, that don’t always reach other people because of just normal circumstances. How often do you get to talk to people about the time that you went onto Redbubble and found your favorite sticker for the next 3 years? Or how your favorite song when you were 15 came from a very specific commercial that you will remember till the day you die.? Or when you’re walking home and you start thinking about how modern mythology can essentially be found in comics and in superheros and fantastical stories like that? It’s not very often that we reveal these things about ourselves to other people but they affect us silently, and its an almost enlightening moment when you think of something that changes your entire perspective and you’re able to share it with an entirely different person who may or may not have had similar thoughts than you. And it’s when the world knows more of your thoughts and feelings and your own unique perspective and story that YOU become YOU,,, that your own persona develops and is seen by others.

I think one of the reasons I started this blog was to put out my thoughts as a human. To put out that I existed and that I had these specific thoughts on these people and things so that there is proof of every part of myself. Sometimes I don’t know what change I’m making to my overall self that is seen by others. Whenever I write something I often think about how it will be taken and understood by strangers or people I know will read it, and if I’m unsure about how I even feel about the subjectmatter myself then I just continue writing until I find accuracy. I try to find the truth about how I feel even if it takes me a long time. I think I’ve been working on this post for the past 3 or 4 days.

Life is sometimes horrendously short. I not only don’t want to live in a way that limits myself and anything that I do, but I want to be able to leave behind an understanding of what I was. And I wanted this space to be a place where I can show what I existed and grew like,, on a completely separate entity from my own body.

I think part of being alive is trying to show yourself to the world. We all live a part of our lives behind closed doors,, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It becomes so easy and safe to live a public life just for the sake of your private one.

But I don’t want to have that barrier. I don’t want the possibility of someone not understanding where I’m coming from or what I’m attempting to say because I’m not giving them enough information. I want everything about myself to be as open as possible so that I can always be understood,, and in this process I become more of a person I want to become,, one who can connect with a lot of people,, I find out more about my strengths and how I feel about certain things, and I become someone who is able to show others what it means to be more open about themselves as well. (or I at least try to be)

I’m starting to like this lifestyle a lot, it helps how I think about my relationships with people and it’s what makes me not so worried that I don’t always hear back from or talk to the coolest friends in my life. It makes me more secure and sure of myself, and it helps me think about my life on a bigger scale and helps give me more direction.

I don’t know if this would ever help anyone, but I just wanted to share.


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