Just proving that I exist

Life just might be too short to hide things about yourself from others. Every time that I think about my blog and I question what the reasons are that I keep it going, I uncomfortably answer something like, “to express myself”, but really I don’t think that’s the most accurate form of saying what I mean.

I really love knowing a lot of old sayings, they seem to ring so true to the human condition and it never ceases to amaze how the age of the sayings never really become a factor. The Latin one that says “I think, therefore I exist” seems to be true for a lot of aspects of life, especially when dealing with other people. That impressively human experience driven quote can save enslavement of artificial intelligence just as much as it can give the confidence and mentality to someone who lacks an identity at all, and wants to make one. That phrase alone has so much definition of what it can mean to be human and can also be taken to understand and define different aspects of being a person.

If I have thoughts on something specific, it is a part of me. Every opinion and perspective and action I have had,, and continue to have,, turn me into an overarching person. And every chance I have to make a change in my actions to something that I think will benefit my overarching self, I want to take it. I want every action I take to reflect an aspect of myself, but I also want to be a better person and be someone that I can always be proud of. I never want to hide and I never want to be mistaken for something I’m not.

That almost sounds like I think I have different Johns living inside me or something, but that’s not really what I mean… It’s more like I have so many thoughts and opinions and moments of feeling about very specific things, that don’t always reach other people because of just normal circumstances. How often do you get to talk to people about the time that you went onto Redbubble and found your favorite sticker for the next 3 years? Or how your favorite song when you were 15 came from a very specific commercial that you will remember till the day you die.? Or when you’re walking home and you start thinking about how modern mythology can essentially be found in comics and in superheros and fantastical stories like that? It’s not very often that we reveal these things about ourselves to other people but they affect us silently, and its an almost enlightening moment when you think of something that changes your entire perspective and you’re able to share it with an entirely different person who may or may not have had similar thoughts than you. And it’s when the world knows more of your thoughts and feelings and your own unique perspective and story that YOU become YOU,,, that your own persona develops and is seen by others.

I think one of the reasons I started this blog was to put out my thoughts as a human. To put out that I existed and that I had these specific thoughts on these people and things so that there is proof of every part of myself. Sometimes I don’t know what change I’m making to my overall self that is seen by others. Whenever I write something I often think about how it will be taken and understood by strangers or people I know will read it, and if I’m unsure about how I even feel about the subjectmatter myself then I just continue writing until I find accuracy. I try to find the truth about how I feel even if it takes me a long time. I think I’ve been working on this post for the past 3 or 4 days.

Life is sometimes horrendously short. I not only don’t want to live in a way that limits myself and anything that I do, but I want to be able to leave behind an understanding of what I was. And I wanted this space to be a place where I can show what I existed and grew like,, on a completely separate entity from my own body.

I think part of being alive is trying to show yourself to the world. We all live a part of our lives behind closed doors,, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It becomes so easy and safe to live a public life just for the sake of your private one.

But I don’t want to have that barrier. I don’t want the possibility of someone not understanding where I’m coming from or what I’m attempting to say because I’m not giving them enough information. I want everything about myself to be as open as possible so that I can always be understood,, and in this process I become more of a person I want to become,, one who can connect with a lot of people,, I find out more about my strengths and how I feel about certain things, and I become someone who is able to show others what it means to be more open about themselves as well. (or I at least try to be)

I’m starting to like this lifestyle a lot, it helps how I think about my relationships with people and it’s what makes me not so worried that I don’t always hear back from or talk to the coolest friends in my life. It makes me more secure and sure of myself, and it helps me think about my life on a bigger scale and helps give me more direction.

I don’t know if this would ever help anyone, but I just wanted to share.

This Poor Girl

It’s like she’s broken. It’s like she hates me. It’s like she’s jealous. It’s like it’s stupid. It’s like she isn’t able to understand her position. It’s like she doesn’t have the ability to reflect on herself. It’s like no one has the ability to reflect on themselves. It’s like I’m supposed to help her, but what am I supposed to do? It’s like the only metaphor I can compare it to is not a metaphor at all, it’s real. It’s like I’m over thinking it. It’s like the time I went to her house, and she and I laid on her bed together. It’s like her entire body needed another so she could feel like her un-disillusioned self. It’s like she knew what she was doing. It’s like she knew I would fall for her seduction. It’s like she was disappointed when I didn’t go as far as I knew I could have. It’s like a child wishing it could be treated seriously. It’s like I knew I could have done more, but I was worried that it would change me. It’s like the change was something that didn’t align with the character I had created for myself, and I wasn’t sure how my character was supposed to react to that kind of situation. It’s like I need to change my character. It’s like that, so I never have to be hesitant. It’s like that, so I can maybe do something quicker to make a greater change. It’s like that, so that people like her can be happy.

Movie

In the next two or three years, I think I’d like to make a movie.

That may seem like a long time, but I want it to be rather decent. A pet project that I can be semi-proud of.

There’s a great amount of tools, detail and depth that can go into making a movie, and I’ve been fascinated with them ever since I’ve started watching these video essays that break those tools and techniques down. So I’m going to make one of my own and see where it goes.

I have a few ideas for the general plot and storyline, but I think it’s more likely that I’ll want to collaborate. I have a lot of friends that are genuinely fantastic writers, fantastic photographers, and I hope to have some people who would be willing to help me with the after editing aspect and audio. A lot of it escapes me and may be beyond my scope entirely, but I think I’d be willing to give some of the most important aspects of it a good attempt. If there’s anyone who reads this and is interested in aiding me with concept building, writing, or some other kind of more technical assistance down the road, then feel free to contact me.

At the Current Moment

At this current moment, I’m in a place of restrained worry. And for a few different things for a few different reasons. Since this affecting both my blog and possibly a few of my interactions and relationships, I think it would only be appropriate to discuss it here.

I suppose the most relevant aspect of this is why I haven’t been posting very much on this blog. While I truly don’t know what this blog means to some of you,, I merely know that some of you read it, I don’t know everyone who does or why. I’ve been having a slightly difficult time trying to remind myself why I began this in the first place,, or rather, I’m having a hard time posting in the exact same manner as I did when I first came up with this concept. I mean, of course I kinda wanted an audience, but I now can’t tell if my focus and purpose for writing on here is to now entertain you, my audience of,, what?, 12?

For instance; I am still attempting to write something about my religious views. I’ve been working on this for a solid week and a half, possibly more. And while I have a decent amount written and attempted explaining, I’m being very critical with how I’m framing that explanation and it’s something I’m becoming almost frustrated with because it still doesn’t feel natural to me… So while that’s happening I’m simultaneously delaying the writing and the thought process that would be necessary to write anything else. It’s something stupid that I’m just having difficulty with.

One of the other things going on with me is that I’m restraining my worry about myself in terms of the amount of recreational activities I’m doing. It’s restrained,, because I know that I’m not becoming obsessed with it,,, I’m not pursuing any kind of high, I’m not always wishing I was smoking, I’m completely fine and self sufficient and happy without it,, but I’m still taking part in it a lot just because it’s offered to me and I feel always in a decently safe atmosphere when I happen to do it. And while I recognize this about myself, and I think I’m okay and a friend that seems to always be smoking with me believes that I have the strength to not be consumed by the marijuana either,, it still is a fact that I have been smoking just a lot recently. Which ya know, is fine,,, but it takes time away from when I could be doing something else that’s more productive and healthy and sober and strong. So I will be attempting to cool down. I don’t want to be confronted by anyone with a sincere concern over me, but if I need a reminder then I would take it seriously. If that makes sense…

So those two things are pretty key components of why I’ve been stagnant on posting to this site very much,,, but another thing that’s going on with me at this current moment, is that I’ve settled with myself and with my parents what my future track will hopefully look like. So now what I’ve been thinking in my head about doing as a career is open and understood by my parents,, and is generally supported. I’ve explained to them what I’m thinking about in terms of my track in school, and in life and career,, and they generally believe that it fits me well and that it’s something I may have the strength to do. So that’s a good and pretty nice thing,, but this idea of me thinking about my distant future, and as every day just being another step and waiting period, just to get to that point,,, is making time go by just a little quicker. Though still a new thing to happen, it does indeed seem to make things go faster. It’s kind of exciting in a way, and it makes me hope for the things I’ll be doing this summer. I’ve determined that I’ll work, work out, and cook quite a lot,,, and it’ll be a pretty good time that will be able to satisfy long, and extreme short term happiness.

I feel bad that I haven’t been posting on here nearly as frequently as I thought I would. Maybe I’m evolving or growing just away from this in a small way, but I’ll try involve my thought process of what’s going on in my life and how I feel about the most relevant of things. I’ll also use this site as the platform for my much longer, intimate, and just important pieces. And I’ll always write for someone should they ever have questions or inquiries about what I write,, even though it rarely happens.

So yeah. I don’t know how to end this all that smoothly.

Yikes.

I’m Tired

Warning: this is a heavy perspective and personal topic. Looking over it may be hard to follow, but I’m trying to explain myself as detailed and as fluidly as possible, I hope it comes across clearly.

Somewhere in my life I saw that I didn’t belong to any single group of people. I thought I was some kind of outsider that was able to phase between cliques,,, it was that I found a fascination with what made groups different that made me do this,, and I think I simply just ended up doing and thinking that way for too long. Or I at least had this perception that I wasn’t in any single place I belonged,, but maybe I was just not looking as people as equally complex, people who have different social spheres and sometimes only having very small ones. So in that respect I don’t doubt that a significant amount of people have felt this way at some point.. (sorry for trying to make myself sound like a special snowflake)

But this ended up creating an atmosphere for me, some weird standard that I felt that I can’t or wasn’t allowed to get incredibly close to people. It was like I was only an observer who wanted attention,,, and was pretty good at keeping people entertained,,, but there was always some kind of property about myself that didn’t allow for extreme closeness to a single group of people, or didn’t allow for people to be drawn to me. And it was strange, because at the same time I also understood people extremely quickly,, I understood and saw some genuinely interesting and cool things about people,, and I saw that I wasn’t with them or being apart of their lives.

I may have passed this, but now,, after a long ass time of just kind of feeling contempt with being half alone,, I’m choosing and attempting to me more involved with friends. I’m noticing those that enjoy me and I’m actively attempting to be around them more. It’s a good thing, and I’m sometimes really excited to see and be around these people,, but it’s still left me with some more quests and questions to resolve..

This active interest and this ability to be more involved with people has started to peak my thoughts towards something like,, “This is the same kind of formula that can allow me to really be with someone.”

It’s like I’ve been at this point of self sufficiency for a long time, I mean years. Sure it used to be more lonely than it is now,,, if there are very few people who would take an interest in you after everything is said and done you tend to get that way.. (So yeah the more friends you have to help distract you and make you feel like you’re doing something,,, the better. I would advise to do that any day…) But I’m tired of it. I’m tried of being secluded, only sharing some of my thoughts with a few key friends, who I try to have be as diverse as possible so that some may understand what others do not.. But it’s not enough.

I’m bored with that kind of limbo, nothing moving forward in terms of work or life goals day to day because that takes a lot of time,, little challenging or interesting homework,, little time spent with friends because of whatever reason you can imagine,, and only small personal satisfactions that can be found in longing for another time, but with no one to share it with. No one to confirm your thoughts, or make you feel stronger in that you have someone to help you with your ideas, or go with you to places that would make you feel like all the beauty in the world is washing over you. Someone that helps you represent your own will to find what makes you so human.

It’s times like that that make me truly want a relationship. Yikes I hate the way that all sounds but there’s no other way to say it. Who doesn’t want someone to spend their days with? Someone nice to look at, someone who will look at your quirks and think they have value, and will be easy to be with. Maybe it’s just at times of contentment that I would wish for this, but who wouldn’t? That’s why it always sad when people don’t show their desire to be apart of something like that,,, especially when it’s with you because, ya know,, you’re too amazing for that.. At a certain point I feel like I’m trying to communicate that to the people I want to be with, and I feel like it’s too much. Very rarely am I able go about things in a more organic way of spontaneity, lust, or uncruel infatuation. Half of it’s because I feel like I know immediately every prospective girl, and I’m being too picky,, and half of it’s that I might just not be introduced to new people enough…

So I’m changing that too I think… I’ve gone to the yikes fuqboi side just a little in order to attempt to be more organic and normal about finding people to be with. And while it’s certainly given me more prospects (i don’t mean to objectify the people I meet,,, it’s just easier language..) and it hasn’t been horrible,, I don’t have much to show for what I feel like I’m trying to do. It’s not that I’m looking for some kind of end goal, it’s more than sex or a relationship. It’s fucking life that I feel like I’m missing out on. because everything that I’m trying to do for myself,, everything that I’m trying to learn or discover or really truly become one with an understanding,,, falls flat.

There are a great many things that a person can find themselves in love with. The earth, words, physical strain, cooking, dedication of all kinds. But it seems will always feel less if there’s no support or reason to bring it out.

Maybe then that just means there’s more to work on before someone’s really able to deal with me. Yikes.

Understanding More

This thought came to me exactly at 10:32 p.m. 1/12/17

I think I’m starting to see the scope of intensity of strength of will, intelligence, and experience that makes people great.

From their very beginnings, every master-to-be is built with an intelligence. There’s one real intelligence and skill that lies with these people; it’s this intelligence that allows them to easily see the ordinary,,,, they see everything that has come before, see the emotions that people have behind things, see the mob mentality that afflicts people. And they want to do something to it. For whatever reason. Whether they think what they’re doing is funny, they think it true, they think it new, they think it a statement, they think it’s just them being them, or they are just doing something that just feels natural, or that what they’re adding or subtracting from the ordinary they see is an expression of themselves,,, in the end it becomes a statement of challenge, even if not on purpose.

If noticed,, it becomes something that the general and unaccepting public will view as a challenge.  They’ll view it as something that is purposefully trying to force change,, that someone is trying to force whatever aspect of their lives to become something else. And they think that because they don’t understand the original intentions, and they don’t know how this new thing,,, this new way of life, new product, this reinvention, or this painting,,, is supposed to lead them to this new understanding.

But it must be remembered that there is no point in being angry at these misunderstanding people, after all. They just don’t get what’s going on, they don’t see the connection, they haven’t been led down this pathway that is sometimes truly pioneered by these masters of crafts, these people who change the status quo. Whether it be from the fault of the “artist” for somehow not making their work accessible enough, or from a deep rooted personal confusion and conflict of ideologies that lies with a specific individual,,, the frustration of the misunderstanding masses is to not be treated with anger. Rather than give up, or tell the world or themselves that their work is too revolutionary to be understood, or something else,,, these masters should instead work to make their own work understood. And sometimes the only way to do that, is to have other masters of craft help them, have other great minds who see what their soul is and see the ordinary that they’re attempting to change.

I think there’s a lot to think about and learn from these people and the changes they bring when they (either accidental or not) change the status quo. These individuals are often fascinating,, their life, their ideals, their attitude, the way they carry themselves, etc…. But also how they came to bring about change,, why they felt they needed to do it and how they did it. Sometimes it’s immediate sometimes it’s not.

I’m tired of talking in generalities so lets look at some real examples;

Van Gogh was filled with sadness and depression at points many points in his life, and was a painter by heart. At some point it became second nature for him to vent his abstractions and his emotions onto his art, and he rarely painted with the intention to sell because few were interested in purchasing his work. The abstractions in his self portraits and in Starry Night and in some of his landscapes, show that even if he wasn’t challenging any kind of system or established rule,, he was being brave to express what he thought was something accurate to the human experience.

Jackson Pollock was a painter who had the bravery to make the statement that “this is my artwork in this style.” He already knew the techniques of others, and he knew what he was doing when he one day decided to let his paint fly. He saw how just about everyone before him restricted themselves to an extremely diligent form of art that demanded time, work, patience of strokes and foresight, and he asked himself “what was the best way to skip that.?” The result turned into a passionate, new kind of art-form that swept the 50’s, and made a change in the abstract scene of art. He saw what was being done before, he saw how he could do something different that still made sense to him,, and he had the bravery to say what was his right from the beginning of brandishing himself.

Massimo Bottura, the Italian chef, makes beautiful recreations of the strict and homemade style in Italian fine dining, which was never done before. His vision was focused on what it always is, the ingredients, but he purposefully turns it into “an art exhibit of pigeons shitting on other art”. His food is not only delicious(which what else would you expect of a man who runs the third best restaurant in the world) but the presentation and the form of it very often makes jokes of fine dining and what it means to eat.

Dan Barber,, another chef but from New York,, has spent the last couple of decades understanding what it means to eat from the ground up, and has constantly been building the truest form of life at his farm, in order to naturally experiment with what it means to eat from the earth. He teams up with animal and plant breeders in order to adjust the qualities of what will eventually be food for his patrons to eat. Surprisingly, he’s one of the (if not the) first to do this, becoming wildly successful and revered for his care and understanding of what we as humans, and as animals, put in our bodies.

Niki Nakayama,, aNothER chef, in California,,, this girl is fucking hard core. She’s decided to take on the challenge of knowing everything that every customer of hers has ever had, and bases her twists of traditional Japanese course meals, off the different things they have eaten. Even making sure that an 8 year old will have something reminiscent of something they had the last time they visited her restaurant. Not only using the power of nostalgia in her meals, but she also redefines the most traditional aspects of her Japanese cuisine, blending it with her aesthetic and her most the most complimentary ingredients.

(I can talk a lot about chefs… thanku Chefs Table..)

Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein,, journalists who were made famous for their reporting on and during the Watergate scandal. While it might not sound difficult to report on something that they had a source for, they made a critical choice of keeping Deep Throat’s identity a secret, which set a standard in the world of journalism. These guys made a hella important statement in reporting that said “it doesn’t matter where the information came from, so long as it’s true.” Which it was so.

…I was attempting to be as diverse as possible, but that was kind of a mess I apologize… There are literally so many fucking smart and brave people to count,,, I not only want to know their full stories but I just want other people to know about because they’re amazing and have done so much. There are so many people who have come before, that have set standards. Their work was so great and their philosophy so inspiring,, sometimes having disciples to build upon it and create rules, reasons, and practices for how to follow it. And don’t be confused with maybe how I’ve been phrasing what I think about these “geniuses” or “masters” or fucking whatever stupid thing I’ve been naming these incredibly intelligent people that have changed the status quo for the betterment of themselves and the people around them. They can be from any path in life. They can be politicians or artists or journalists or computer programmers or editors or smiths or farmers or fashion designers or aNyTHiNg. And it seems to be the person that can understand and draw inspiration from every field in life that finds the most unique ways to change the status quo.

I admire those that have created before me. They just did what was natural to them, and they did it with things much less effective than I have access to. But I think I admire more those that are still finding themselves able to break forward, and still able to create and express themselves in some way that is STILL different than something that has been done before. I’m amazed with these people, because they have this accumulation of knowledge, this understanding of what has come before them, and so frequently see the small nuances of what can be done differently. STILL. Still, even after 12000 years of human existence we are able to find out different, unique and creative ways of doing shit. They find their bravery to do what they do with the help from their fellow geniuses and it blows me away every single time.

 

I’m not sure where I fit into things like this. I have grandiose imaginings of myself as being at this same intellectual and romantic and oversightful level as some of these people, these people who have not only found satisfaction and fulfillment in what they have decided to do,, but also are great at it and have helped others and have changed the environment of what they do, and for the better. I feel like I understand them sometimes, or at least their work and what they’re trying to do with it,, and I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if I’m on their level or if they’re just so genius that they can reach everyone so easily. And it’s because of things like this that make me confused about how in the fUcK I should approach the rest of my life. What ways am I going to choose to express myself.

Well I guess I’ve already started this shitty blog so. There’s that.

Some Substances

For the longest time I was not interested at all in drinking or in using any recreational drugs. It was apart of my warrior delusion,, I wanted to be vigilant and be at my physical and mental apex always, just to be sure I was always able to do whatever I needed to do. But eventually I grew out of that mindset. My framing that doing something that turns one into something weaker and dumber than their sober self,, started to look extremely redundant when I looked at what I am surrounded by. I don’t live in a dangerous place, I’m not surrounded by things that make me fear for my life, and I have great access to safe and comfortable spaces. I realized that there was hardly a need for me to be constantly wary and on alert,, and that there were better people on that job.

Currently,,, I quite enjoy myself some recreational substances, and I enjoy being with people while (and after) I take them. There are reasons why I choose to take some and there are reasons why I don’t,,, and while it all can kind of boil down to how you personally feel and think about them, I would like to try to explain what it means to me to do these things.

Any drug, whether it be alcohol or something else,, has the ability to make you different than when you’re sober. It literally inhibits or stimulates parts of your brain,, parts of you,, and makes you become someone just a little different. And if you want to be philosophical or spiritual about it,, it’s fascinating that you can become something else than what you already are,, and still be able to return back. If one takes their time to understand this, then they can get great insights about themselves,, insight that is both close, because it’s still you, and distant because it’s something you’d never be able to see when you’re sober.

That being said, there are vastly different experiences between these things, and that’s the interesting part about it… If you look at alcohol, you’ll easily notice these differences. There are beers, wines, rums, bourbons, vodkas, tequilas, and thousands,, probably millions of variations between each of them. Enthusiasts will tell you that there is not only a flavor and experiential difference between each of them, but also a history behind each and every one. It’s the oldest and largest recreational substance in the world, and it’s survived and made it’s way through every shortage, drought, prohibition, and lack of materials since it’s inception thousands of years ago. Every social class drinks it. It can be produced and treated with great elegance and grace as much as it can be at home in a slum or in a trailer park. But it takes a harsh physical toll. Being drunk physically doesn’t feel all that great, hangovers in general are shitty, but so is alcohol poisoning, and liver failure. It’s extremely harmful to your body to be alcoholic, and the younger you are when you begin drinking to more likely you are to have developmental problems.

Marijuana on the other hand, seems to oddly be the opposite.. It has been shown time and time again to be physically safer to the body than alcohol and tobacco, with an almost zero percent chance of getting something like throat or lung cancer even if smoked more than once a week for years. It has no addictive chemicals in it that bring out withdrawal symptoms. Being high can sometimes have different effects on people, though it usually boils down to either having a “normal” high or a high of great anxiety. But if your body has a normal response to the stimulant then you usually feel pretty relaxed. (Moderation is always the key for any drug) So yeah being too high is not great either, but honestly still better than being too drunk in my opinion. But the main thing that bums me out, is that even though it’s been proven to be even safer than something like tobacco, it’s still illegal in many parts of the U.S. for old political farming reasons, and was marketed as unhealthy and bad in the most ridiculous and racist of ways. Because of this, there is no elegant culture that surrounds it. It doesn’t have what alcohol has. There’s no higher (lol) echelon of marijuana enthusiasts that aren’t treated with disgust,, because it’s still something that’s largely illegal here and thus has no room for a luxurious and wealthier form to take hold.

And while I’m not saying it’s not necessary for marijuana to reach that level in society, I think it would at least be representative of a better shift of attitude in the U.S. One that, if taught correctly, can be a much more understanding and can bring a more enlightened view of drugs and who we are as humans to take them. Who knows maybe a better DARE program is what we need. (lol when a program is so bad that stoners love wearing their old DARE shirts and buttons as a joke)

But in all honesty,,, I just want to smoke with more people. It’s a fun, cheap activity that makes me feel good (and honestly just cool), and allows me to have interesting conversations with people who may not be so curious or articulate when they’re sober. It genuinely has no more reason to be considered bad or dangerous than alcohol does,, and in mine and many other peoples opinion, even less so. And perhaps the most important thing that a person can learn with their experiences with drugs, is their own power lies within being able to resist any temptation of stronger and much more dangerous drugs. Know your shit, before you try anything. Find someone you trust before you begin to experiment and discover. It’s a fine tool for understanding things, whether it be other people, or just different crazy ways of thinking,,,, but know that in this time where people are really trying to sell before regulation (from increasing legality) starts, it might be more likely that you’ll be screwed over or tempted to try something harder and more expensive.

Know yourself, above all. Don’t let something that can be as fun or as enlightening as drugs consume you. We all know people who are just far too focused on it and no longer consider it to be something of a hobby,, and that can be sad to see ya know.? Maybe if the conditions were different then those people would be of the highest echelon of recreational drug service. Maybe they would’ve had a small farm where they grow their own special variations, a nice house, a luxury good store where they sell specialty pieces made of copper or some shit I don’t know. It’s genuinely sad that we as an American culture only view drug addicts as sad burnouts when there are extremely complex reasons (some being political) that they’re even in that position.

I didn’t smoke until later in life (comparatively), and I’m glad I did. I think that if I didn’t, then it would take me some considerable time to understand the purpose of it, and I would sound like another massive, inarticulate person who does drugs (and pressures you to) all the time just because they can.

So final advise? Be careful, and try to do it for the right reasons and remember often why you’re doing it that way. Oh, and of course, call me whenever you wanna get hella buttery.

☺

 

Delicious Jams- Volume I

Let us all take a moment to appreciate the music in our lives. Like goddamn music is amazing. Imagine life without that natural rhythm to it, a form of life that doesn’t allow for movement or emotion to be one in the same with sound. There are few things in the world that we humans have made that can just be considered straight up magic, and music is certainly one of them.

I love diversity in music, I try to listen to a lot of different styles that I think express or highlight some extremely specific emotion or state of mind. I try to listen to everything because of this, I have archives of hip-hop, rock, mo town, electronic, and other forms of music that I don’t know the correct names to, just so I can have something extensive to match whatever mood I’m feeling, or whatever mood I want to be. But I also actively attempt to search for different music because it seems that a lot of what I hear on the radio (which over half the stations are owned by the same few corporations) is all similar. If it’s not the same song literally played on five different stations at some point during the day, then it feels like it’s the same kind of “hype” music 24/7. Which I just don’t like to listen to all the time because I’m just not in that state of mind all the time ya know?

So that being said, I’m super excited to refer to you to some of the songs and general music that I personally love, giving you references to my music accounts as well as specific songs. I would love to make more of these as I go on to discover the different colors of music, so if these become of interest to anyone then do let me know. Making this,,, there are just too many, so I condensed the list to 25,,, I will make more.

 

Spotify- sir_italia

Soundcloud- issecondthebest

 

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to skip these:

Nimble Girl– Hotel Eden    …    Electronic, pulls you in with an amazing beginning that carries through, and vocals are in a cool echo. Electric piano adds a lot.

Hard Times– Baby Huey & the Babysitters    …    Rock/Groove, looming heavy beat that makes you want to be put in action, meaningful lyrics that are smooth and rhythmical. Passionate.

Strange– Patsy Cline    …    Mo Town, simple and elegant, Patsy’s voice is dreamy and just amazing, clean and clear lyrics that make it easy to sing along to

Big Toe- The Growlers    …    Rock, anything by The Growlers I recommend, this one keeps a perfect medium/fast pace, awesome sing along lyrics, close to angry compared to their others.

I’ll Be Around– The Growlers    …    Rock/Electronic, more electronic than their other works, a personal favorite, still has high elements of guitar but it uses electronic beats to make it nice and intensely groovy

Huey– Earl Sweatshirt    …    Hip-Hop, short, has an awesome elevator music type of beat that turns into something completely different with the passionate lyrics and extremely well timed flairs of something electronic

Mean Monsoon- Dan Auerbach    …   Rock, fantastic guitar that continues throughout the entire song, including beautiful solos, intoxicating and intense, powerful and jealous in nature

High Tiding– Nick Waterhouse    …    Rock, fuck me so good, smooth simple and sly, a voice that can drown you and chords that draw you in

Charlie Brown (feat. Blu)– Scienze    …    Rap/Hip-Hop, high tone beats and cuts from actual Charlie Brown specials give it a light tone, extremely rhythmic and complex lyrics that made me want to learn them all, but isn’t overhype, manages to feel almost somber

True Love Will Find You In The End– Daniel Johnston    …    Rock/Blues, all of Daniel Johnston’s stuff is super simple, he’s actually a schizophrenic who’s a musical genius, a lot of repeats of the words, but it’s so good

Cocaine– Sleepwalkers    …    Rock/Alternative, just a happy light and bubbly song that you don’t realize is about cocaine until the amazing chorus

Da Superfriendz– Vast Aire    …    Rap/Hip-Hop, piano is the fucking jam in this song, starts with the god that is MF Doom and his smooth raps

Still Dope ft. Empress Starhh)- Doom    …    Rap, her destroyer raps just last the ENTIRE SONG, make you feel like you’ll be dope forever, and the random inserts of spanish make it work sO HaRd

Jaigantic- Galimatias Remix– Tora    …    Electronic, the guys smooth voice is matches perfectly with the rifts,, feels like the guy is trying to get his girl back and them passionate high chords help it out

Good As New– Vacationer    …    Electronic, highly repetative and easy to get stuck in your head, and it’s not a bad thing. High and happy

I Love You So– The Walters    …    Rock/Alternative, one of the cutest songs I know, maaay make you want to fall in love

Rigamortus- Kendrick Lamar    …    Rap, if you’re a rap fan and you don’t know this song then you’re doing something wrong. Memorize it, appreciate it, be one in the same with it.

Cognac– Monster Rally & Jay Stone    …    Rap, hella pervy but genuinely and undeniably great, makes you want to want to groove hella hard

Breadcrumbs– Deca    …   Rap, has amazing inserts, lyrics are super clever and meaningful, and has a great beat

Ray Gun (ft. DOOM)– Ghostface Killah    …    Rap, has only a short segment of actual rapping, the rest of the song is the rifts and intense music, super hero themed that makes you feel like you’re in a comic book

Cheer Up– Smith Westerns    …    Alternative, romantic and soft with some electronic sounds that it passionate and almost sad, something you could cry to but in a good way

You Can Never Tell– Chuck Berry    …    Rock/Groove, the song that John Travolta and Uma Thermon danced to in Pulp Fiction, their dance moves are perfect and that scene is 100% in line with this songs vibes

Hotel California- The Eagles    …    Rock, a song that I’ve had nightmares about, creepy warm and inviting vibes that almost become sadistic with the lyrical meanings, still a grade A song tho

The Boss– James Brown    …    Soul, I have so many James Brown songs that are the bomb.com, but this one is wayy up there because it makes you feel like you’re the boss

Any Day Now– James Brown    …    Soul, starts slow, but when homeboy gets into it, he shows off his real intense singin chops, and his trumpets and band behind him just make it all the better

Bible Beatings

“My name is Julian Rogers, I’m here with my husband and our pastor, and we are here today to tell you college kids that when you were little, your parents didn’t give you a good Bible beating and now you’re going crazy!”

Nice. I like where this is going.

“You’re all living in ways of self-satisfaction! Pleasuring your penis and clitoris! Unless you repent your sins and learn what the Bible is trying to teach us, you may all find yourselves in hell!”

That’d be funny if she wasn’t serious.

Who was she when she was younger? She carried her pocket Bible close to her, but moved in flamboyant ways that only suggested either a true level of madness or routine. Her outfit consisted of a flowy monotone dress and a wool, almost homemade looking sweater that reminded me of a stereotypical hippie long past her prime. She was greying, and so was her large husband who was sitting down on the other end of the courtyard next to a carefully trimmed man in a grey suit and sunglasses. The pastor I suppose. Cults were kind of a big thing back in her day, maybe she never left.

“Now my husband and I have five kids and we did just as the Bible tells us.”

Oh dear.

It was sunny for fall. The clear sky let through light that seemed to bounce off everything from the grass to the concrete pavement, reflections from a damp and misty night. My eyes didn’t want to shift to the light by looking away from the woman, but I could still see herds of students passing by the circular courtyard, often looking and listening to the crazy lady for a moment before realizing she wasn’t worth their time. Some stayed though, intent on listening to the oh-so-carefully chosen words of yet another faithful radical. They waited with smiles on their faces, some leaning in every time she would come close to saying something over-the-top, hoping to get an excuse to initiate in a bit of socially accepted group-hate. But I couldn’t walk away just yet, I couldn’t tell what they wanted, and they were beginning to test her.

“How would you feel if I was gay?”

“OH NO! Don’t tell me you’re gay! It’s a sin to pack fudge!”

Yikes, almost anything could’ve been better than that.

It seemed that the young crowd thought so too. Those few that stood or sat in silent awe of Mrs. Rogers were now opening their mouths. Something had to be said, didn’t it?

“You aren’t a real Christian!”

Wow, that one made me wince a little…

Thankfully, somewhere along my line it became easy to focus. Even before I put in my headphones I was no longer able to hear anything that hate space was saying. Walking home was the only thing that mattered, and it takes over half an hour to get back. I suppose I can bear through it.

I already used up my distractionary tricks, and I’m in a mental limbo. I already popped my knuckles on my hands, I cracked my neck, and I even released the tingling sensation that lingers in the nape of my neck three times. No more to do besides keep my mind blank, and push away the colors and the images of what I just saw. The hardest part might be to remove the lingering force that lies in my neck, a frustration refusing to dismiss, Adam’s apple, but so long as I just focus on everything else…

The path I chose to walk home was the busiest. Cars were already on the streets, driven by people who were ready to eat, and there was the occasional pedestrian like myself who thought it easier to walk to campus. Every time I saw someone about to pass me, I would do the polite thing and either walk on the grass or on the bike path so they may have space. What were they taught that gave them the restraint to not yell at me for giving them room? I suppose I should just be thankful that they didn’t yell at me for bending to their presence. Praise God.

But I should focus on everything else, shouldn’t I?

Just before the third stop light, I pass the patio to the biggest grocery store in my town. It lies in the daylight, often unused by its customers, but will occasionally provide an aging man or woman a place to rest before starting their own walk. The man sitting there now was waiting with his bags for what I assumed would be the next bus to arrive. He had a grey beard, a large Celtic cross, and a gut that demanded respect. He nodded towards me as I passed, and I nodded back; My favorite unspoken blessing.

That’s enough, I can’t linger on this anymore there has to be something else…

I lived in the misshapen grey-stone house my entire thinking life. I’ve been with it through the best and the worst of times, and as I knew every squeak and sound of its floors, I’m sure it knew every passage of me. Opening its door let me to shed all my layers yet again, the comfort of a home allowing me to hang them on a hook to be worn and used later.

But I suppose not everything needs to be shed.

I decided to find something that could have the best answers, not that just anything could, but at least this book had something of relevancy. The blue binding only simplified it, a single black square on the binding highlighted The Jerusalem Bible in gold, its pages’ light, and in the early stages of turning yellow from age.

Where would be a passage about hate? The warning of being consumed by anger, probably in here somewhere… I always liked the Genesis of the Bible, the way it began with pure creation, simplicity, and light. Simple love of someone godly, why isn’t that the beating?

Nothing Coherent

Sorry I haven’t posted in almost a week,, I know I should try to make this as daily as possible. This week has been stressful enough to give me frequent eye twitches… Also seeing as now I have a frequent audience of about five or six has made it weird to post a little. I’m not sure how many should be appropriate.

I’m sometimes (sometimes being now but it may come to pass idk) worried that I’m perceived as the ignorant young white guy. Like the kind that’ll be out on their shit after “reality hits”. It just comes from the times when I hear things like “Man I hope you make it.” The best one I think I ever heard was when one of my friends since about seventh grade said to me senior year, “You’re either going to be homeless or famous.” I mean I try to consider that a compliment, but what do you really say to that? Like they clearly have some level of worry over the path I will be taking, and have some serious doubts about my ability to make it through, it’s kind of like well shit is what you think I’m going to do really unobtainable?

Before today I didn’t really give this much thought or have much concern over it. I considered a persons mentality and drive to make themselves however they wanted, to be a more prominent factor than whatever barriers they have set out before them. Holding out for the optimistic thought, that anyone can change themselves and their thoughts and their goals and their pathways to make their goals a reality, at any moment. I thought this way because I never considered barriers could be too great and that, so long as I have a developed and malleable base, I will have enough credibility to still do a great many things. I never considered money, financial commitments, or any other people to be barriers that can stop me from what I want to do, just because I felt that what I wanted to do was something that can take many shapes and can overall go any direction I see fit.

But I’m not sure what to think about that mentality. The pragmatist in me would look at that and think that’s a pipe dream similar to some anime character. Whereas the idealist in me would consider that a good thing that I’m allowing myself to be so malleable and that I can break whatever expectational rules I want.

But the other night kind of changed that a little.

I have a brother, seven years and a day older than myself, who has had some difficult times since he left school halfway through. He hasn’t been able to finish university. As a result he decided to work until he was ready to go back, and then realized the small private and expensive school he returned to wasn’t for him. He now has been working as a bartender for a while now, and lives with his girlfriend in Louisville.

I always thought that this could be just fine. This could be a beginning of sorts and that it wasn’t something to worry about so long as it builds and branches into other things a little. Like if he decided he wanted to take his cooking and bar-tending skills to a heightened level he could try to go to culinary school, or try to find establishments that have a higher echelon of service. Or if he wanted to do something in the Louisville community and be an organizer of events or something scholastic or political or something, it could at least be a pathway and an additional factor of life that was practical and job like that could make him more than just a bartender. It would be work, and that would suck, but sometimes you just have to work a shit ton, ya know?

But when I heard him express his sincere worry about his financial situation, I thought for the first time I was seeing some proof that some barriers might be too great. That some obligations are too heavy.

It’s worrying to see this, because if it’s not just my brother being weak footed and not trying to find something else that is beneficial to his time, then it could be proof that my current plans for the future are just dreams of the privileged and the ignorant. That my whole mentality is wrong because I actually don’t understand the obligations and barriers that I will face.

But on the other hand, if my mentality is right,, then it means that people like my brother put needless barriers and limitations on themselves, and that an incalculable percentage of humanity leave themselves in awful situations they think they have no escape from, just because they don’t think they can.

So great.

But oh well. Love y’all who read my posts and sometimes respond to them. It makes me think that I’m doing more than just writing in a journal.